Fear

Fear

‘Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realise that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvellously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still are the voices of our loved ones.’ 

Thich Nhat Hanh.

The last time I felt true fear was two summers ago. It was the ninth of September, the day of my mother’s birthday and we had decided to go down to Powers court, just south of Dublin. We were filled with energy and excitement and for the first time in a long time, myself, mum and my two younger sisters felt free. At this time, mum was going and is still going through divorce and our family had split apart in the most terrible way. We were struggling as a unit and felt the suffocation that divorce and pain bring. There really wasn’t that much to be happy about, myself, my second youngest sister who is twenty three and my mum were trying to keep the unit of family left which was ourselves and my third youngest sister who is eleven somehow functioning. No one really ever talks about how divorce effects grown up children and for the year and a half previous I found myself in limbo land. I was riddled with anxiety and fear, and the responsibilities of having to protect the unit of family I had left were mounting. I have lost half of my family and have been disconnected from them for nearly four years due to issues that unfortunately cannot be healed. I was struggling with university, not the work, just the social side.

My mum didn’t really want to celebrate her birthday, believing their wasn't really anything to celebrate, having come out of a marriage and lost two children, who wanted nothing to do with her and sided with my father. She was grieving and there was for the second time in my life, nothing I could do to aid her pain. The first time I had felt this way was on the birth of my youngest sister, Jane. Strangely, both Jane and I were due on the same day and born one day apart, fifteen years in between. This has forever cemented our special friendship. But her birth was drenched in agony and pain as my mum had gone through the worst breakdown a human can go through. When you are the eldest daughter, with a father who is none existent and an elder brother who is never at home, the responsibility is entirely placed upon your shoulders. At fifteen I had to look after a new born, a special needs sister and a mother so ill, she hardly recognised me. I had known fear before, but never had I faced it head on like I had all those years ago.

I was adamant that we would enjoy mums birthday and make her realise that there was much to celebrate. Firstly that she was well and able and secondly that she had overcome a year and a half of tragedy and was still filled with strength and courage. It was one of the better days in my life. The sun was high, the sky a perfect blue and it was a day in which you could feel the autumn winds about you. We decided after spending time in Avoca to travel up through Glendalough, a mountain range. We had done this journey many times previous and so we were unafraid. Glendalough often reminds me of the moors, it is enchantingly rugged and raw. As we drove up higher and higher, we were laughing and singing, a first for all of us. The moment was and will always remain pure. The last memory I had of that journey was a lonely sheep, grazing by the side of the road. We stopped to take a photo and off course chat with it, being our usual silly self’s. The road was really built for one car and wrapped itself about the mountain perilously, with a huge drop down the cliff towards Lough Tay. I cannot remember what happened, all I remember is the huge thud and my body flying about the car, my head hitting the chair in front of me, the window, ceiling and window behind me. I was sitting in the back due my second youngest sister having broken her ankle a few weeks prior. When I awoke, the car was sitting on the edge of the cliff, metres from the cliff face. A boulder had fallen from the mountain and hit our car, turning it around and around.

Everyone says that you see a white light when you are about to die, but I must have been unfortunate, because I did not witness any white light, what had happened to me instead was a moment which seemed to stretch on for quite a while, as though time itself had frozen. Instead of a white light, a very hot heat swept over my body and a very deeply seated love and need for my mum and sisters to survive consumed me completely. I remember only asking aloud that they should be spared. It was no act of martyrdom as I had not the time to summon such feelings and thoughts. When I awoke however, I was riddled with pain and fear. That accident should have killed us all, I still cannot believe how we survived. We all had very bad whiplash and the next hour really I have very little memory off. I remember some cyclists and drivers coming to help us. My mum said that I spent a good half an hour walking up and down the road in a state of trauma and disorientation. I think we all were to be honest. I could not for the life of me understand why such a dreadful accident could and would happen to us, on my mother’s birthday, when we had all for the first time in months, finally began to breathe. I did though for the first time in a long time, find perspective.  When I become so entrapped by fear and anxiety, I can never see past it, afraid and scared as I am, which is humiliating for me. In my anger and trauma, I held onto that searing moment of overwhelming love that had transpired during the accident and I used it to combat the fear that was steadily climbing within me. How would we get home? We were stuck on top of a mountain with little help.

After a while of disorientated walking, I wrapped my arms about my youngest sister and rekindled the realization that I could face any fear as long as my mum and sisters were alive and well. In that slight moment as the car was swerving across the road, I felt that I could face the fear of death so that my sisters and mother could live. After several hours of being stuck up a mountain we were finally saved and in the weeks after we were all very quiet in our ways. I had realised all the things that I had put off simply due to fear. As I looked down at the beautiful lough an album of all the wishes and dreams I had locked away due to fear suddenly arose and made themselves known to me. Several things happened to me on that day:

1.       I realised that I didn’t want to face death with any regrets.

2.      I realised how precious the people around me are, even if life was hard and unpredictable.

3.      Beneath my responsibilities and role, Iseult still lived and was waiting patiently to come to life once more.

4.     All the things I thought impossible, suddenly became possible.

5.      It did not matter to me where I travelled after death, only that those around me were safe.

6.      To be fearful is healthy in small doses, because it acts a shield, a protector and when you feel unable to aid someone in trouble, you can rely on that protection to protect that person.

7.      My life had become so clouded, that I had not the vision to see the beauty of nature all about me and once you do open your eyes to the beauty of nature you find healing.

Ever since that accident, I have been trying to deal with fear in a healthy way. Yes there are still many occasions when I fall prey to its destabilising methods. I have however gone on to do things I never thought possible. In terms of writing, I face fear daily, whether it be awaiting a publishers rejection, poor sales, poor feedback etc. etc. Sometimes I become drenched in the fear of failure, but then on those spikey situations, I look back at that particular accident and remember how I felt. If you love to write, if you love your story and characters but are afraid, I promise you now, that there is nothing to be fearful of and to look at fear with a different mind-set. Fear can be a mentor and guide, it can take you to places you never thought possible. A good way in which to deal with your fears are to face them head on and you will be surprised with the results and you may even go on to achieve great things. You only get to live one life and so you have a duty to yourself to make that one life, one hell of a life. You never want to reach an age, in which you are saddled with regrets and anger because you let fear get the better of you. Go write that book, even if you think others will reject it. Write it because you love it and you love your characters. Write it because it will change your life, even if it doesn't change the life of others.

Iseult x