Introductions!

I can remember buying my first item of clothing with my own money when I was about sixteen years old, which to me now seems light years away, deeply embedded in my past. I can remember walking into my local Topshop store with a peculiar feeling buzzing about my body as my eyes gazed over the countless items of potential clothing that I could buy. I walked around and around the shop until my eyes stilled on a beautiful silk grey blouse, and in that moment something changed within me, something altered and many would laugh at such a momentous feeling, how could an item of clothing mean so much?

Until that day, I had been stuck in a rut. My identity had centered mainly around my being incredibly strange and unsocial, with crazy hair, braces and ever changing skin. My days in school where filled with constant bullying, harassment and an ever bubbling sense of hatred towards myself. Why did I not fit it? Why couldn't those around me, see me? And why was I made to pay two fold for being myself?

I was a tom boy, forever filling my head with books and books of history, philosophy and so on. I spent my afternoons in the school library, guzzling Roald Dahl’s ‘The Witches’, separating myself from the real world and all its uncertainties. I was uncaring of make-up, the latest fashion accessory or in seeking out the attention of boys.  As I got older I began to notice a connection between my own problems and the problems of the world around me. Are not all wars founded on the same issue, identity?

I bought the silk top and when I first put it on, I felt anew. I couldn't believe the change in me, I actually felt sick in the pit of my stomach. I wore that silk top for months on end, and cherished the feelings that arose within me when I put it on. It gave to me a hidden power of strength and confidence, two feelings I had lacked greatly in my life so far.

But the great irony of that story is that I began to make myself miserable trying to fit in. Sure the bullying lessened to an extent and those around me, finally opened their eyes and saw me. But it came at a great price, to cover up the real me with fancy clothing etc. Instead of becoming stronger and more confident, as I had felt that day when I purchased a new top, I fell into an abyss of depression and confusion. Who was I? And how had I ended up in this pit of confusion?

Several years and two break downs later, I figured out where it had all gone so wrong. I was trying to fit into a section of society, I clearly didn’t belong too and I realised along the way that a great majority of those surrounding me, did not acknowledge or accept me. I had turned on myself and all the singular things about myself that I loved, the greatest was writing.

When I was nine years old, I had just discovered The Lord Of The Rings, and I fell in love with Tolkien’s stories and writing, so much so that I just had to  re write it myself, to add in little details. It took me over a year to re write the first book, adding in my own storylines and characters. It was for fun, but looking back on it now I can see it opened the door to the world of writing. 

When I had finally finished writing it, I literally ran from the studio into our house, such a whirl of happiness and pride rushing about my body. My mother was so proud of what I had achieved and filled my lacking self with praise. The girl that was invisible, the girl that failed in every other aspect of her life had finally achieved something, be it little or of no consequence. I spent that week walking upon a cloud of greatness. But if I have not already mentioned my keen belief that I was born, robbed in the cloak of misfortune then maybe now is the time to do so. You see my siblings where not my friends, they like many found me strange and we had little in common with one another. I was quiet and preferred to stand in the shadows, whereas my siblings where loud, demanding and in constant need of being in the spotlight. In short my brother deleted my work out of indifference to me? I don’t know. The pain I felt, losing my first piece of real work has never really healed. But from the pain and humiliated erupted determination.

We can wear many items of clothing to either try to cover up our true self’s or to fit in with society, but in my experience it only hindered me and highlighted the fact that I was willing to rid myself of myself in order to feel less oppressed. Now however, I buy clothes that I want to wear, I embrace my quiet life with just a handful of friends and I work hard to overcome all the obstacles in my way. I am greatly flawed, I am quiet and do not fit in to society in the way I had so wished to. I spend my money on books instead of expensive clothing, I am a complete nerd who loves to watch BBC Four, Game of Thrones and the news channel. I will never completely feel comfortable in my own skin and will never meet the requirements of those around me in society and will always have to work ten times as hard to just survive. But that is me that is who I am.

And so, I welcome you to my world, my book series and my blog which will most likely consist of rambling. It is a book series that I am proud of, flaws and all. I am no Shakespeare and I am no great person that stands out amongst the crowd. I just had a great idea that happened to unveil itself to me when I was travelling home from University. An idea to bring together a world of misfits and to show off their qualities, flaws and true self’s. Every week I will upload a blog, which will most likely be centred around my book series and hopefully it will tickle your taste buds. I am honest and opinionated and my views are my own, they mean no harm and I would not for the world insult anyone who feels differently than I on certain subjects. I wanted to understand the world through my characters eyes and I hope you can join me on that quest. If I fail to upload a blog during the week, I will not ridicule myself over it as I am incredibly busy writing my third novel and studying my masters. Neither do I want to become a know it all blogger who thinks myself better than others simply because I write novels. Anyone can write a novel and everyone has the ability, it is my intent to prove this. We are all endorsed with gifts and I hope that maybe I can encourage you all to own yours.

Iseult x